The last few weeks have been really tough! J's behaviors at home were getting worse, including the self-injurious behavior and negative self-talk, and last week I was at my wit's end. I just felt empty inside, my flesh and blood child, my firstborn, is saying that he hates himself, that he is evil, and is trying to hurt himself! How I felt like a failure as a mom, who only wants to convey love to her child! How must God get so sad when we as His children talk so badly about ourselves, as well. So I was reaching out to the team at school, our OT, friends, etc, and finally my dear friend was able to shed some light on the situation. She suspected that he was just craving attention, specifically from me, of course, and that if I was able to provide him with some one on one time every day, the behavior might go away. So I gave it try, and one week of success followed! Yay! It's just amazing to me how many things have to be in place in order for J's day to go well. Not only do we have to have his schedule, remain calm, keep things structured, keep him fed, but also we have to give lots of praise, give him one on one time, and try to keep things running smoothly at home. It's so tiring sometimes! If one piece is missing, it all falls apart. But thankfully we have a lot of help, and people to remind us if a piece is missing. So far, things are going well.
While we were spending time together last weekend with puppets, Jackson insinuated through his puppet that there was a kid bullying him at school, on the playground. That broke my heart! I do NOT want to think about anyone teasing or making fun of my sweet boy, it makes me so sad and angry as well. So I've been trying to deal with those emotions as well, at least until I figure out if anything truly is going on and to what extent.
As far as school goes, I am impressed daily with Jackson's ability to read and write! I've truly been enjoying watching his progress. JW and I are seeing that he is very smart and able to do most things at school as long as the right supports and structure are in place. As we are seeing, struggles are constantly going to come up, and then we just have to brainstorm the next best solution.
So today I am in a lot better place mentally than I was a week ago, just trusting God to give me direction on any next steps to take, and so thankful that God thought that I was qualified enough to be chosen as Jackson's mom, What a blessing, as well as the hardest job ever, but I am so thankful to be given the great privilege.