Race Recap: Uwharrie Mountain Run 20 Miler

"The obsession with running is really an obsession with the potential for more and more life."  Dr. George Sheehan

I love the above quote, as I think it explains why I do so many races and running adventures.  I feel so alive during these adventures, and they really help me appreciate my life and be my best self.

Today's adventure taught me so much!  I showed myself once again that I can do something really hard and come out smiling  on the other side.  I felt strong physically and mentally, and I had so much fun with my friends!  My daughter gave me the best encouragement when I got home:

I hope I'm teaching my kids that you can do hard things, be a little afraid of them, but get it done and gain confidence by doing  what you said you would. 

So here it is, race recap of the Uwharrie 20 Miler:

Race Preparation

This winter, I participated in the Fleet Feet Trail Running program for the first time.  I have always been a bit hesitant in doing trails, and I live with a Forest in my backyard FULL of trails!  I have run the Uwharrie 8 miler before, in 2016 and 2017, and I had a lot of fun, but I thought of it as the toughest trail ever.  I had never prepared for the 8 miler by running trails, I stuck to the roads.  This winter, I practiced almost every weekend on the trails, and I gained so much more confidence in my ability to stay upright, get lost and found, and slow things down to enjoy the scenery.  It was a very welcome change from speed work and road running.  I also got to wear the coolest trail shoes EVER!  That helped.  :)

The Mental Game

The week before the race I started to have a lot of nerves.  Could I really do it?  People were telling me it was really really difficult.  I usually think I can do anything I put my mind to. Was that true this time?  The day before the race, I spent some time reading some blogs about this particular race, and I even watched an 8 minute video a participant had taken along the way.  It helped calm my nerves, as everyone seemed to just love the race, they all succeeded in finishing, and I found out that there was going to be a creek that looked like you should cross it, but really you don't--follow the white blazes on the trees!  So I felt that I had some insider info.  Then, I listened to a podcast by Mario Fraoli about an amazing ultra-runner named Amelia Boone.  I started following her on Instagram and saw amazing pics of her strength.  So I was inspired, and so excited to  have FUN.  I was reset, ready to go.

Logistics of the Race

Race day!  My alarm was set for 4:30am, but my body woke me up around 4:20am ready to go.  I showered and  dressed, made 2 cups of coffee for the road, and ate a bagel (how anyone can be hungry at that hour is beyond me, but I was!).  I left the house at 5am, picked up my friends, and  we were on our way!  The race was 1 hour and 40 minutes from the house, and thanks to good conversation, the time passed quickly.  When we arrived at 6:40am, it was still dark.  Parking spaces were ample, and the volunteers helped us find a great spot.  We then went into the Eldorado Outpost to check in and get warm.  There were bathrooms and portapotties, which we used, and I was pleasantly surprised to find the line for the men's bathroom was longer than the women's!  That never happens!  I guess more men were running than ladies, so I felt special.  :)  I fueled with a Clif Bar as well.  When we got out of the store, the daylight had arrived, which was really cool.  We boarded the waiting shuttles for the starting area, which was about 15 minutes away.  When we got to the race start, I took advantage of the portapotties again, and then we were able to stay warm by the fire.  Starting temp was 19 degrees!  We chatted with veterans of the race, who all seemed to love it, something that boosted by excitement again.   Before I knew it, it was go time!  We lined up near the front, and off we went!!

The Course

As I remembered from previous years, the first part of the race on the trail is a very steep and rocky incline in which most runners are walking.  Being towards the front of the pack definitely helped, and we were running again shortly.  My friend Mike had graciously agreed to run with me during the whole 20 miles, an unexpected surprise, so I was really looking forward to the company.  We had looked at the elevation map ahead of time (a mistake, don't do it!), but thankfully we had forgotten most of it, other than there were some killer-looking hills throughout the course.  The first 8 miles went by pretty quickly.  When we came up to the 8 mile aid station, I was a little sad remembering that in years past, I would be done by now.  But on the other hand, the 8 miles seemed less hard than in previous years, maybe because I knew we were not even close to the end.  I used the portapotty (the only one  on the course), ate some pb+j, refilled my water, and stripped down some layers (we warmed up quickly with all of the hills and  sunshine).  I then broke the rest of the course down in my mind into the next 5 miles (until mile 13), miles 14-17 (where our friend Gina and her family would be manning the aid station), and miles 17-20 (the finish!).  Breaking it down in my mind definitely helped.  

It was really exciting to be on a part of the course that I have never seen before!  On the uphills, we walked and I tried to catch my breath;  on the downhills, I commented on how this course is great!  It was surreal to be out in nature, often only the two of us around.  Occasionally we would find groups of runners to be near, but eventually we would either pass or be passed.  The terrain was very rocky at times, which made it difficult to run even down the hills--I really did not want to fall.  I ended up falling twice, but both were minor, and I had no major injuries.  I had one serious ankle roll that did not result in a fall, but I was able to run  it off, and I didn't feel any long-lasting effects from that one.  As the course went on, my legs were getting REALLY tired.  I felt like I couldn't pick up my legs enough, so I kept stumbling and ALMOST falling, which is sometimes worse than ACTUALLY falling with how scary it is and how every muscle in your body screams on high alert trying to keep you upright.  I felt like this.

There were some pretty gnarly hills from miles 15-16, it's all a blur now, but we walked them, and it was ok.  There were also a lot of stream crossings.  I knew from prior years that it is often easier to just get wet than to spend a lot of energy balancing on rocks to avoid the water, but most of the streams were really low so I only ended up wet on 2 streams, and my feet dried pretty quickly.  There was one crossing that involved a 10 foot log balancing act, but it was pretty fun, and  thankfully we did not fall in there, ha!  There were a few times that we were not  sure where the trail was headed--we were supposed to follow the white "blazes" on the trees, and most were well-marked, but a few times we had to stop and look around to make sure we were not going  off course.  We figured out that 2 blazes meant a sharp turn, which was a new discovery from prior years, and that helped us navigate a lot.  As we got tired, we noticed that our vision wasn't quite what it should be, and everything seemed a bit blurry, so that combined with the bright sunlight reflecting off the leaves made everything a bit of a challenge.

We finally made it to our friends at mile 17!  I ate a chocolate chip cookie (it was heavenly) and refilled my water bottle and we were off for the final 3 miles, which were so much fun since I knew at this point that we were going to finish!  We also thought we had a chance at our long-shot goal of under 4 hours, so we tried to stay running as much as possible.  Our GPS watches were off a little so we weren't entirely sure.  The last part of the course was also really fun because we got to see a lot of the 40 milers turning around and coming back our way, so we had some people to encourage, and it put our 20 miles into perspective--at least we could be done at 20 and did not have to turn around and do it all over again!

Finally, when we thought we still had almost a mile to go, we saw our friend Randy on the course taking pictures, and some colorful flags just beyond.  "Is that the finish?!" I asked incredulously.  It was!  What a nice surprise to be done early, and we finished just under the 4 hour mark.  Yay!  

I would say the race was mentally easier than I thought it would be, but physically harder than I thought it would be.  The terrain and hills are a lot harder than the 8 miler, so I did not quite know what to expect there.  But mentally, I kept going and never felt like I was going to die (it happens on long runs, you know that).  My mantra was "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful" from the movie "What About Bob" (not sure why that was in my head).  Check it out here.

I also had just listened  to Justin Timberlake's new song "Man of the Woods" which I felt was an appropriate soundtrack for the day, so that was running through my head.  

At the end of it, me and Randy and Mike all gave each other our new trail names (mine gets to be Ladybug!!) and we ate some food (potato soup and peanut M+Ms for me), then we got a ride back to the car.  After changing  into some warm and dry clothes (temps were up to 40 degrees now) we headed back home.  I will say, the drive home was pretty uncomfortable. and as I write this in my bed, my legs are pretty much done.  Running on tippy toes up a mountain for four hours will do that to a person.  I plan to continue rolling out my calves tomorrow, I got a good headstart today.  

So, in summary, I DEFINITELY recommend this race.  The whole Uwharrie race series is so well put-together and organized.  The energy is amazing.  Everyone out there wants to be there and is so encouraging.  Also, you can challenge yourself in ways you never thought possible.  

Finally, I will end with this quote by one of my favorite runners, Alexi Pappas:

"Run like a bravey

SLEEP LIKE A BABY

Dream like crazy

Replace can't with maybe

Through sunny and shady"

Good night!

Love, Sarah

Just Say Yes

I remember hearing some parenting advice that advised that when you can, say "yes" to your kids.   In the early days of parenting, it feels like the word "NO" comes out of our mouths with such frequency!  As my children have got bigger and more independent, I have tried to be more mindful of saying "YES" when I can.

Yesterday I was doing my track workout and I brought my kids along with me.  They were trying to keep themselves occupied with their skates and bike.  One found an old ruddy baseball that was instantly a "treasure."  Another found a Duke water bottle (Me: Leave that there--go Heels!).  Eventually they got tired of their activities and came up with a new idea.

"Mom, can we roll this tire down the stairs?"  At first my reflex was to say, "NO."  I started to say it.  But then I asked myself, "Why not?"  There were no other people on the track that we had to worry about injuring.  I still had quite a few more laps to do.  So I said "YES!"  And they had so much fun rolling that tire down the stairs for the next 20 minutes or so.

I think this is also a principle we can apply to ourselves.  When faced with an opportunity or a request, I try to ask myself if I can say "YES" first.  Of course I must balance my desire to say "YES" with setting good boundaries for my time.  But I have had so many memorable experiences from saying "YES" when invited.  A half Ironman relay.  A 206 mile relay through the Blue Ridge Mountains with 5 other brave souls.  Getting set up on a date with my now- husband.  Going to country concerts with my sweet babysitter.

"To my young friends out there: Life can be great, but not when you can't see it. So, open your eyes to life: to see it in the vivid colors that God gave us as a precious gift to His children, to enjoy life to the fullest, and to make it count. Say yes to your life."--Nancy Reagan

Love, Sarah

Who I Am

First of all, it has been almost 2 years since my last post, but I'm excited to start recording my thoughts again in an organized way.

This post is inspired by an upcoming book club where we will be discussing the book, "Boston Bound" by Elizabeth Clor.   In the book, the author tries to overcome the mental hangups which are preventing her from achieving her lifelong dream of qualifying for the Boston Marathon.  She meets with a sports psychologist, who recommends to her that she stop thinking of herself as "a runner" and instead think of herself as "a good person who does good things."  In other words, her identity does not need to be based on an activity that she likes to do.  Her identity is so much more than this, and she is then set to the task of figuring that out.

This really got me thinking about my own identity.  There have been many times over this past year where I definitely have found myself primarily identifying myself as "a runner."  I have met great friends through running, have participated in many fun and challenging races, I like to read about running and listen to podcasts and audio books about running.  Running has become a big part of my life.  I really enjoy it--the social aspect of being a part of a running group, the physical and mental challenges I have to overcome along the way, and the health that it brings to my body and mind.   However, I am more than just "a runner."

Last year, when I was injured (severe plantar fasciitis), I was unable to run for a few months.  During that time, I had to make a choice.  I could be miserable and depressed, OR I could spend that time fostering the other aspects of my life that I had neglected during my running obsession.  I remember reading an article that dealt with how to mentally get through an injury that keeps you from running, and the main point that I remember was that I am MORE than just a runner.  I am Sarah--a mom, a wife, a friend, a doctor.  I am hardworking, passionate, energetic, positive, optimistic.  I DO love to run, but I also love to be with my kids, to write, to read, to exercise in general, to play outside, to craft, to be with friends and family.  That really helped me through that time and kept me from getting depressed at not being able to run for a few months.

Now, I have started thinking through these things again.  What do I want to be known for?  I don't want to be known as a runner.  I DO want to be known as someone who loves life and encourages others; someone who is passionate about her goals but flexible if needed; a loyal and thoughtful friend; a child of GOD.  And when I run, I can show these aspects of my identity!  But if I could never run again, I could continue being me.  And that makes me feel safe and at peace.

There is a song by Nichole Nordeman called "Legacy" that really resonates with me; in fact, I chose it during the slide show at my residency graduation.  The lyrics are as follows:

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
And you could take my picture and hang it in a gallergy
Of all the who's-who's and so-and-so's
That used to be the best at such and such,
It wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights,
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world.

I want to leave a legacy,
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough
To make a mark on things
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy.

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such
Will soon enough destroy

Not well-traveled, not well-read
Not well-to-do, or well-bred
Just want to hear instead,
Well done, good and faithful one

In the same way that I don't wrap up my entire identity in being a doctor, I want to continue to remember that my identity is in Him, in Christ, not just as a runner.  But in the meantime, I am surely thankful that I can RUN!
--Sarah

The Big Run 5K

June 7, 2017 Global Running Day

Chapel Hill, NC

Dance Like Cinderella...

The music was playing boisterously.  The notes drew us to stop and listen.  A crowd had gathered around an older couple, the man wearing a T-shirt advertising the name of the band, the woman wearing a Disneyland T-shirt and blue tutu skirt.  They were dancing in step, swing dancing it looked like, reminding me of when I tried to swing dance back in college.  My daughter was standing with us, but she inched forward, step by step, and I saw her toe point, her leg lift slightly off the ground.  I knew she wanted to dance.  She walked further and further into the circle, by herself, still seeming shy and hesitant.  I recognized this as a moment, one that she might remember for just today, but one that I would always remember.  I embraced the moment and asked her if she would like to dance with me.  Her entire countenance lit up brightly as her little hands took mine.  I danced with her, dipped her, twirled her around.  She loved it.  I glanced over and saw three other little girls tapping their feet, inching closer, their mom on her phone.  I beckoned to them, "Come dance," and just like my daughter, their faces immediately lit up as they giggled, held hands, and ran into the mix.  As I continued to dance with my sweet one, I took notice around me, more and more people were abandoning pretense and starting to join us.  Two college aged girls grabbed hands and skipped awkwardly right through the middle of the "dance floor," laughing, as their friends giggled from the sidelines.  It was so refreshing to see so many people just enjoying the moment like I was, Mickey Mouse ears on and all.  My son was still on the side.  I reached out my hands to him, beckoning, "Do you want to come, too?"  At first he shook his head no, but then he jumped all in with fancy footwork and handstands, laughing just like the rest of us.  What a magical memory, I am so glad I didn't miss it...

Weekend highlights

Feeling blue right now, winding up a great weekend with the kiddos.  Wanted to jot down some highlights to remember:
--taking Jackson on a date Friday night for dinner and a movie while Savannah and Daddy had a date, too!
--10 mile run Saturday morning with my fave running partner, Julie
--Savannah practicing to put her hair in a ponytail/bun just like her mommy--she got it!
--Jackson graduating from Tiger Cub to Wold Cub at the Cub Scout End of Year Campout
--Savannah earning a belt loop for biking at Cub Scouts (even though she is OBVIOUSLY not a cub scout) due to her learning to ride a bike without training wheels this week!\
--Jackson giving Savannah the sweetest hug after she received her belt loop and saying, "Congratulations, Savannah!"
--taking a cat nap on the beach at Jordan Lake this weekend while the kiddos played (under Dad's supervision, of course!)
--being able to cheer up Savannah on the LONG hike back to the campsite from the beach, by playing her favorite song on my phone (and thus avoiding having to carry her all the way home, score!)
--both kids falling asleep on the way home from camping
--watching my Sunday school kids recite their memory verse on this last day of Sunday school for the year: way to go, class!
--finding the perfect bench to go at the foot of our bed (at Home Goods, what a steal!)
--updating my shower curtain for the first time in about 10 years :)
--snuggling with the kids at bedtime tonight

Ahh, what a great weekend.  Now off to do notes for work...

Something in the Water...

God has always spoken to me through music and songs.  For the past few months, I have really loved the song, "Something in the Water" by Carrie Underwood.  For those of you who are not familiar with it, it is a country pop song, but the underlying theme is water baptism.

I was baptized as an infant, raised in a Catholic Christian home, confirmed into the faith as a teen, and really embraced Christianity as my own faith while in high school.  Jesus has just always been my Savior.  I heard lots of stories of newly converted Christians getting baptized as an outward sign of the inner change that occurs once you accept Jesus into your heart.  I teach my children that when they are old enough, they can get baptized to tell the world that Jesus is their Savior.  But I never thought adult baptism was for me.

A few months ago, our church was doing a bible study called "Rooted," and we met every week in my small group to discuss basic foundations of the faith.  Of course, one of the weeks covered baptism.  I shared that I didn't really feel that I needed to get baptized again.  The girls in my group are not shy, and they lovingly pointed out where in the Bible it says that basically I should.

"Baptism is an important step in our journeys as followers of Christ and an outward symbol of the work He has already done in our lives.  Some people wonder if baptism is required for salvation.  No, it's not.  However the two are connected.  The Lord commanded, 'Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit' (Matthew 28:19).  The Word of our Lord is sufficient warrant for baptism of believers.  No further authority is needed."  "Baptism is a symbol of the covenant of salvation."  "Eleven times in the book of Acts we see that immediately after someone believed in Jesus that person was baptized."  --From Rooted.

I ended the night in tears, saying that I did not want to get baptized.  (Why not??)  But of course, God was working on my heart.

A few weeks later, I was teaching Sunday School to my first graders, and we were learning about when John the Baptist baptized Jesus (Matthew 3:13-17).  It was the Beginner's Bible edition.  John basically says to Jesus, "I should be baptized by YOU!"  And Jesus replied, "I want to do what is right."  I remember thinking, "Wow, even Jesus got baptized.  Hmm.  Maybe I SHOULD get baptized."  Moved on.  After class, I went to service, and wouldn't you know, the next baptism class was announced.  I clearly felt God telling me to sign up.  So I did.

And tomorrow I'm getting baptized!  I'm kind of nervous.  I'm relieved that I am finally practicing obedience to the Lord in this area.  And I'm excited to join my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ in the beautiful sacrament of baptism.

"Felt love pouring down from above
Got washed in the water, washed in the blood and now I'm changed
And now I'm stronger
There must be something in the water
Oh, there must be something in the water

And now I'm singing along to amazing grace
Can't nobody wipe this smile off my face
Got joy in my heart, angels on my side
Thank God almighty, I saw the light
Gonna look ahead, no turning back
Live every day, give it all that I have
Trust in Someone bigger than me
Ever since the day that I believed I am changed
And now I'm stronger
There must be something in the water"--Something in the Water by Carrie Underwood

New Year!

It's a new year, and of course the time for resolutions.  I used to make an exhaustive list of resolutions on New Year's Eve, usually including resolutions about exercise, reading my Bible more often, eating better, journaling more regularly, etc.  That got a bit overwhelming over the years.  For the last few years I have started picking a "word" for the year.  This way, it's like an overriding theme that I can think and meditate on, but it's not so much that if I don't do a certain thing, I "fail" my resolution.

The word for 2015 is:

MINDFULNESS

To me, this encompasses a lot of my goals for the year.
I would like to have more of a regular quite time with God; I have started the "She Reads Truth" Bible in a Year plan to help me; it's on my phone which means I can read on the go, which is helpful.
But I would like to be on my phone less, being more present in my life and daily interactions.  This is especially true with my children.  I would like to really enjoy my time with them more, and not through the distracted murmuring that I do sometimes when I am looking at my phone.
I would like to continue my marathon training, not with a "I need to work out 5 times per week" goal, but continuing to be mindful about my time to exercise and really enjoying it when I do.
I would like to read more books instead of watching TV or messing around on my computer or phone.
I would like to be more mindful of my money and what I spend it on, as well as what is in my home, striving to de-clutter and simplify my life as much as possible.

I'm really excited to get started on this new year.  It will be full, as Jackson starts playing basketball, Savannah continues to dance, and they will turn 7 and 5 this year!  I will run a marathon and I just really look forward to see what God has in store.  I had no idea He would lead me on this road, but I am so glad that He did.

"Whatever you do, do well."  Ecclesiastes 9:10

8 years and counting!

Yesterday, JW and I celebrated 8 years of marriage!  Life must go on, so no fancy celebratory vacations were planned, but his mom and aunt, who have been visiting us this week, set us up with a very extraordinary anniversary dinner, complete with tablecloth, gold-plated silverware, 5 course meal (with dessert!) and entertainment provided by my kiddos.  It was wonderful.  One of the most fun parts was getting able to use my nice drinking glasses and serveware that I never get to use on a daily basis.  We registered for some good stuff 8 years ago (thank you friends and family!!).  Jackson was very excited, and he kept saying, "Happy Anniversary Mommy and Daddy!"  He dressed up (like a fireman with a superhero cape and cowboy hat) and serenaded us with violin music (he's been taking lessons and is PRETTY good if I do say so myself.)  He said, "Thank you for getting married, you guys did good.  Thank you for getting engaged at the farm where I had camp.  You are the best mommy and daddy ever!"  It was precious.  Savannah wore her tutu, did some ballet moves, and ate fruit and mints and sparkling cider for dinner.  It was so great.  JW and I felt honored by our family and children, and it would be nice to some day take a vacation for our anniversary, but until then, I'll take fancy at-home dinners any day.

(Picture during our Hawaii honeymoon October 2006)

Deep Calls to Deep

This weekend we had the privilege of spending time with my sister, brother-in-law, and niece at the beach.  Jackson had such a great time, it was so beautiful to watch his sheer joy at the ocean.  He spent hours standing at the shore, having a conversation with the waves.  It seemed like he was asking them to stop, just before they got to him, and he had a fighting stance as he stood there.  I watched him there for hours (it was too cold for me!) and I was almost crying with pleasure.  I think he felt so free and I think he felt God's love in those moments.  I surely did.

You big bully!

The last few weeks have been really tough!  J's behaviors at home were getting worse, including the self-injurious behavior and negative self-talk, and last week I was at my wit's end.  I just felt empty inside, my flesh and blood child, my firstborn, is saying that he hates himself, that he is evil, and is trying to hurt himself!  How I felt like a failure as a mom, who only wants to convey love to her child!  How must God get so sad when we as His children talk so badly about ourselves, as well.  So I was reaching out to the team at school, our OT, friends, etc, and finally my dear friend was able to shed some light on the situation.  She suspected that he was just craving attention, specifically from me, of course, and that if I was able to provide him with some one on one time every day, the behavior might go away.  So I gave it try, and one week of success followed!  Yay!  It's just amazing to me how many things have to be in place in order for J's day to go well.  Not only do we have to have his schedule, remain calm, keep things structured, keep him fed, but also we have to give lots of praise, give him one on one time, and try to keep things running smoothly at home.  It's so tiring sometimes!  If one piece is missing, it all falls apart.  But thankfully we have a lot of help, and people to remind us if a piece is missing.  So far, things are going well. 

While we were spending time together last weekend with puppets, Jackson insinuated through his puppet that there was a kid bullying him at school, on the playground.  That broke my heart!  I do NOT want to think about anyone teasing or making fun of my sweet boy, it makes me so sad and angry as well.  So I've been trying to deal with those emotions as well, at least until I figure out if anything truly is going on and to what extent. 

As far as school goes, I am impressed daily with Jackson's ability to read and write!  I've truly been enjoying watching his progress.  JW and I are seeing that he is very smart and able to do most things at school as long as the right supports and structure are in place.  As we are seeing, struggles are constantly going to come up, and then we just have to brainstorm the next best solution. 

So today I am in a lot better place mentally than I was a week ago, just trusting God to give me direction on any next steps to take, and so thankful that God thought that I was qualified enough to be chosen as Jackson's mom,  What a blessing, as well as the hardest job ever, but I am so thankful to be given the great privilege. 

First Grade!

It has been entirely too long since I've posted on here.  I miss it!  But there is another milestone in our family, Jackson is a First Grader!  His first day of school was yesterday, and he rocked it.  He looked stylish, got a "good-behavior" stamp, and made a new friend!  My mama-heart was full yesterday.

Things have been a bit difficult lately with him.  He has been responding very negatively to any criticism or correction, which of course is an essential part of parenting.  We have been trying to fill up his love tank with positive encouraging words, but still when we have to correct, he lashes out, says horrible things about himself, even being physically violent with himself.  It completely breaks my heart.  It is interesting to note that this behavior is only manifested around me.  Therefore, I seem to think it is behavioral, and I must be responding to him in a way that makes him want to continue the behavior.  I usually try to stop the violence, tell him how much he is loved, etc; I try to point him to the Truth of the Bible and let him know how much Jesus loves him, and he needs to love himself.  I try to tell him that even God disciplines His children, and that we are all sinners.  He HATES to think of himself as a sinner, don't we all?

It's interesting that Jackson is really only acting how most of us feel sometimes.  We don't like to be corrected or disciplined by God, or by anyone else, and we often find ourselves spouting off non-truths in the midst of our disappointment in ourselves.  Jackson is teaching me a good lesson, that we are NOT failures if we sin or "mess up," we all do it, and we are still LOVED.  We need to love our imperfect selves because God does!  And also, sometimes when we're upset, we just need a hug, not words.

This parenting thing is tough, and ASD is tough, but actually Jackson's behavior is really just a visible example of many of our internal states; he is just vulnerable enough to put it all out there.

I continue to pray for strength and guidance through this time, on how best to deal with this behavior, but I also thank God for showing me my own sinful self and how He loves me through it, in spite of myself.

Delayed Gratification

I read some other blogs that mention that sometimes kids with ASD will tell you about what they remember or what they were feeling months or years after the event.  At the time, you may think the child didn't process or understand, but then they reveal later that was not the case.  Last night, Jackson let me into his world a little bit, which was such a blessing.
I've been struggling with him this last week, as he has been exhibiting some behaviors that are just, well, annoying.  And they irritate a sleepy mama who has little reserve left in her.  But with some prayer from some good friends, my reserve and patience is growing, thankfully.  But back to my story.
Last night I was putting Jackson to bed, as usual, when he whispered to me, "I saw Daddy cry before." 
Me: "When?" 
Him: "It was at our old house (2 years ago!!), he was sick (he was really sick, I remember that too btw).  You and Daddy slept downstairs and I slept upstairs and Savannah slept downstairs, and I didn't like sleeping upstairs all by myself." 
Me: "So what did you do?"
Him: "I came down way before it was morning to sleep with you."  (true, story of my life, ha!)
Me: "How did you feel?  Worried, scared, sad?"
Him: "Worried.  Love you, goodnight!"

It was precious.  Just an interesting reminder that his little brain processes things differently than mine.  It doesn't make his way wrong, just different.  It really helps me to remember this, that when I think he's not getting it, I'm wrong.  He's taking it all in, and I'll probably hear about it in a few years. 
I'm thankful for a glimpse into his mind when sometimes I feel like I can't reach him. 

Words

The last few weeks have been really hard at home.  Lack of routine due to Christmas break, teacher workdays, snow days, and the MLK day break had our schedules all out of whack.  For any kid, that can be hard, but throw ASD into the mix and you've got some good times. 
I haven't been as patient as I would like to be.  I try, but I fail A LOT.
Last night, for whatever reason, it hit me.  Some of the words that have come out of my mouth have NOT been encouraging and uplifting for my son.  It helps that our sermon at church the last few weeks has dealt with the topic of our tongue and the harm it can cause.  It's hard to find a balance between being a parent and discipline and having your kids respect you...and on the other hand realizing that my son isn't usually being disrespectful or beligerent when he behaves out of sorts, he's not often doing it on purpose to spite me or make me mad; usually, there is a reason behind his behaviors.  And I have to then be the detective to figure out the reasons behind his unwanted behaviors and try to help him.  It's such a different attitude than, "My child must learn to respect me."  Because I feel like I also need to respect him and his differences.  You don't tell a kid in a wheelchair, "Why can't you just be normal and walk like everyone else?"  So why should I think Jackson should be "normal" and act like everyone else?  Actually, I'm quite glad he doesn't act like everyone else, ha!  But those words have actually come out of my mouth, "Why can't you just act normal?"  And last night I was very sad when I realized that those words were not very kind or nice.  I never want my son to think he's not "normal" or not loved because he doesn't act like his sister or friend.  I want him to feel like I'm his biggest fan, trying to support and  encourage him as he tries to find his place in this world like we all are.  And I know that most of the time, he does feel that, but when I lose control of my tongue, it can be hurtful.  I had a restless night praying for forgiveness and for help in finding that balance between accepting your child and molding him to be a better person at the same time.  It's hard, sigh. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11

English Standard Version (ESV)
"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."

Thank you J.M. for posting this on my facebook page.  :)  It's a good reminder.

Thinking Ahead to 2014...

I want to live more simply this year.  I want to buy less stuff.  It is soooo easy to get drawn into all of the internet deals, especially when my email inbox is inundated with sales and coupons.  I have been deleting them immediately and moving on.  Because we don't NEED anything!  We are so blessed, and God has blessed us with all of our needs as well as wants this year.  I'm striving to make use of all of the things we already have and make use of free resources, like the public library!  My goal is by next Christmas it won't be such a habit to want to buy everything that seems like a good deal.  I want to be "content in every circumstance." 

My word for this year is Contentment.  Not only do I want to be content with my material possessions, but I want to be content in my relationships.  I have so much to be thankful for, even in the "not so cheery" moments of life.  I read "One Thousand Gifts" this year by Ann Voskamp, with my Bible study group, and it was a game changer.  I am learning to give thanks no matter what, for that is when the miracle happens...

I don't want to make a whole list of New Year's resolutions this year.  I know I need to eat better and exercise more, who doesn't?  But I've been learning that working on the heart and trying to make it match up with the heart of Jesus is what leads to true health, and the rest can follow.

How about you, have any New Year's resolutions or words for the year that you want to share?

It's Christmastime!!

This is such a fun time of year!  The kids are at just the right age to appreciate the little things I do to help make this holiday season a fun and meaningful one for them.
It was so fun decorating the house this year; since we moved in on December 23rd last year, we skipped the decorating.  We really have a house, OUR house, to decorate this year, and it feels really nice.  My favorite thing to do is still to sit in the living room with the Christmas tree lights on (all 1000 of them) and watch Christmas movies on TV or play on my phone or snuggle with the kiddos or just sit.
We have been going on walks after dinner around the block to see the Christmas lights...my kids say, "It's a Winter Wonderland out here!"  It's truly magical.  There is one house that has a Santa Claus in the upstairs window that sometimes is lit up, sometimes not, and our game is to see if it's lit and we can see Santa tonight.
Opening Christmas cards and seeing the friendly and missed faces of our friends and family from afar has been a highlight. 
Each morning we have been opening a drawer on our Advent tree, in which are two tiny presents and a word of encouragement and truth for the day, thanks to my mother in law.  It usually goes well, unless like today, the kids fight over whose turn it is to open the drawer and before I know it the entire contents of the tree are strewn on the floor.  Sigh.
Each night I let them unwrap a Christmas book, some new, some old, and we read it before bed.
I have been hiding "Keebler," the Elf on the Shelf, when I can remember, which is pretty fun.
And I have let them watch an "extra" show while I get dinner ready if I need a break, one of the Christmas shows that I used to watch when I was little.
This is also a time to really think about what things I want to teach them about Christmas.
I want them to know that it's JESUS that we celebrate, that He was the best gift of all, so we celebrate His birth by giving presents to one another. 
I want them to experience the MAGIC and WONDER of believing in Santa Claus, but I've been teaching them that it's not about being bad and good, because we are all sinners in need of Jesus, and we are all "bad" or "naughty" sometimes, but that getting presents isn't contingent on their "good" behavior no more than our salvation is contingent on our "good" deeds.  I think the message is getting through.
I'm looking for the PEACE of Christ this holiday season, and I'm finding that I'm yelling a lot less, smiling a lot more, and sharing knowing looks with my hubby as often as I can.
This year is so much fun, like every year, and I am so thankful for the time I get to spend with my little family, anticipating the coming of our saviour. 
As one of my favorite characters once said, "That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Five Minute Friday: Together

linking up from lisajobaker.com

The hubby and I were just talking last night about the state of affairs of our family.
This Thanksgiving and Christmas, for a variety of different reasons, we are unable to be with our extended families.  It's "just us."  There is an element of sadness to that, but we were reflecting on how far we have come this past year as a family, just the four of us, together.

We have together figured out what it's like to be a family with an Exceptional Child.
We have together forged our way in a new neighborhood and made plentiful good friends.
We have together established a church home where we all feel loved and able to love others well.
We have together relied on Christ alone to get us through various financial and emotional hardships.
And of course He has come through every time.
Together we walk to school on Friday mornings.
Together we snuggle in bed in the mornings (who knew a king sized bed could feel so small!  There were 4 in the bed and the mommy said...get off my pillow!!)

I love my sweet family.  I wouldn't trade them for the world.  And I'm so happy God put us together to do this life. 

Randomness

It's been a very eventful few weeks and I wanted to share so I don't forget.

Jackson said a self-initiated "Thank you for playing cards with me," yesterday.  Progress!

Speaking of cards, he learned how to play "War" in kindergarten and we've been playing; I never thought the day would come when I could play cards with my kids, I'm so excited!  And he's doing such a good job taking turns, stopping the game to eat dinner, sleep, etc (that game drags on and on, people), and handling when I "win" his cards.  Way to go, buddy!

The kids have been sleeping in their own beds until 5 a.m., which is a blessing, but between 5-6 a.m. Savannah whines and cries over random things...
--"Put your hand on me!"
--"Snuggle me harder!"
--"My covers are messed up!"
--"Where's my blankie?"
--"Where's my babie?"
--"I want breakfast!"

Finally, at 6a.m. when my alarm goes off, she sits straight up in bed and is completely happy, saying, "Breakfast time!"  And then I laugh at her.  But not before then; before 6 a.m. I'm pretty annoyed, ha!

This morning, JW asked her to rub his back as a way to distract her from her crying, and she said, "I can't because there are tears on them!"  Haha. 

A Whole New World...

One year ago today I started my new job here in North Carolina.  And our family began the three month journey towards a new diagnosis for my first born son.  The move was so tumultuous for him that his behavior spun out of control, and certain things that I had blamed on poor parenting or him just "being a boy," could not be explained away anymore.  It became very clear to our new community that there was something not right about Jackson.  I had no idea what it might be...I thought there might be some Sensory Processing Disorder traits, so I bought three books and started reading.  We started OT which definitely helped a little.  We took him to a doctor who suggested ADHD.  We tried meds, which made him go CRAZY, so we turned off that road.  Someone mentioned Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and I just had thoughts of kids torturing animals (thanks to my psychology training in med school), and I didn't think that quite fit.  JW and I prayed and prayed that we would figure this out.  That someone would point us in the right direction.  Because of his behavior problems in Sunday School, our Sunday School director suggested a play group called "Let's Be Friends," a meeting of typically and atypically developing kids to get together in a safe space to work on social skills.  That sounded like a good idea, especially since he was kicked out/nicely asked to take a break from preschool until we could figure out what was going on.  It was there that the leader of the play group started asking me questions about Jackson.  I was hoping she would be able to help lead me in the right direction.  She got me an appointment for an IEP (Individualized Education Program) evaluation through the public school, and we waited a month for the appointment.  In the meantime, as I was at home processing one night, the list of questions that the nice lady had asked me clicked.  She was asking me the screening criteria for autism!!  I freaked.  I had never considered that diagnosis.  Jackson had never had any problems with speech, so I didn't even think about it.  I went to my favorite place...Google!  I typed in "diagnosis of" and wouldn't you know, it auto-filled "aspergers syndrome."  Weird.  So I read through the criteria and thought it kind of fit.  I got used to the words of autism, autism spectrum, asperger's.  We had the IEP eval.  We had to come back the next day for a longer eval specifically for autism.  Of course.  One month later, we sat in the same room to hear the results.  They first said "developmental delay."  That sounds so benign.  I can live with that.  Get him some therapies, he'll be good to go.  Then they moved on to, "And he tested positive for autism as well."  Like it was no big deal.  It wasn't a surprise, but I was still hoping it wasn't true.  I didn't FEEL like being a mom to a special needs kid.  I just wanted to be REGULAR.  I cried.  The people handed me Kleenex.  I decided to move on.  At least I had a NAME for what was going on.  I had a TOPIC to search for and books to read about.  I WASN'T a bad mom, and Jackson WASN'T a bad kid.  So it was actually great news!

9 months later, we've done OT, speech therapy, special education, TEACCH services (the local autism center in Chapel Hill), and even a parenting class.  Jackson is attending regular kindergarten this year and thriving.  I wouldn't say that his success is due to all of the therapies or picture schedules.  I think it's mostly because JW and I have adjusted to the "new normal."  We are more relaxed.  We know how to reach Jackson in a way that he will understand.  We know how to manage his environment to  make it a safe and calm place to live instead of a place filled with sensory overload.  I have to yell less.  And love more. 

I am so proud to be the mom of a special needs kid.  It has strengthened my faith and my marriage.  And I am so proud of my little boy.  God has big plans for him, and though they may not be my plans, they are AWESOME.

If you are visiting from Kelly's Korner, thank you!

Mommy in the Trenches

When my kids were babies, I expected to get pooped on, peed on, spit up on, leaked on by my own milk-producing organs, etc.  Now that my kids are older, that all happens with a lot let frequency.  I still have no privacy when dressing or showering or toileting.  But overall, I can maintain my outfit for a few hours at a time. 
This past weekend, Savannah was sick with her first vomiting illness.  I feel blessed that I have had this long vomit-free (5 yrs both kids).  But when Savannah walked to the side of my bed in the middle of the night, I picked her up, concerned, and she proceeded to vomit on my face/hair/clothes/bed/rug...and I just held her and let the vomit keep coming.  I was so stunned I didn't really know what to do.  Thankfully, that got better and I only had to deal with one more huge vomiting episode over the entire bathroom, but then it was followed by, "Mommy, I tried to make it to the potty but I didn't and that's okay."  I'm glad you think that's okay, darling.  But what are we talking about, exactly?  Diarrhea.  Good times.  So pull-ups all weekend. 
Finally, she is better. 
I was all dressed for work yesterday, ready to go, when I spilled her applesauce all over me as I was putting it back into the fridge, since every day both kids INSIST on me putting out the applesauce but neither one will eat it.  I had peach applesauce on every item of clothing I had on, including undergarments and shoes, and it even got into my hair.  I got really angry, complaining about how unfair this is, I just wanted to go to work on time, yadda yadda...  I did change my outfit but left my hair.  I explained to my colleagues if they smell peach it's my awesome new conditioner.  J.W. insisted that I relax, that I was overreacting.  Of course I was, because it's not about the applesauce, dear husband.  I just didn't want to be gross anymore due to my kids' bodily fluids or food items.  I know other moms will sympathize.  It's mommyhood in the trenches, we do it daily, but some days it's harder than others. 
And I actually liked that peach smell, I'll have to look for some actual peach conditioner next time I'm out... 

First Day of Kindergarten!

Yesterday was Jackson's first half day of kindergarten, and today was his first full day.  He did great!  We got a good report both days.  I got the privilege to walk him to school today, and I was kind of in awe of the fact that my firstborn is in...elementary school!  He will have music class and gym!  He will eat in a cafeteria.  I had to buy him #2 pencils!  Craziness.  I miss pre-K.  At least Savannah's still there.  My little boy is growing up!  I am so proud of him.  He has come so far this past year.  His teacher, Miss Kilgo, is amazing, and I think this is going to be a HUGE year.  I can't wait to see all that he will do.  This may surpass the first year of his life in terms of milestones, we will soon see!  Congrats, little buddy, you rock in my book. 
Love, Mom/Mommy/Hey you  :)