Something in the Water...

God has always spoken to me through music and songs.  For the past few months, I have really loved the song, "Something in the Water" by Carrie Underwood.  For those of you who are not familiar with it, it is a country pop song, but the underlying theme is water baptism.

I was baptized as an infant, raised in a Catholic Christian home, confirmed into the faith as a teen, and really embraced Christianity as my own faith while in high school.  Jesus has just always been my Savior.  I heard lots of stories of newly converted Christians getting baptized as an outward sign of the inner change that occurs once you accept Jesus into your heart.  I teach my children that when they are old enough, they can get baptized to tell the world that Jesus is their Savior.  But I never thought adult baptism was for me.

A few months ago, our church was doing a bible study called "Rooted," and we met every week in my small group to discuss basic foundations of the faith.  Of course, one of the weeks covered baptism.  I shared that I didn't really feel that I needed to get baptized again.  The girls in my group are not shy, and they lovingly pointed out where in the Bible it says that basically I should.

"Baptism is an important step in our journeys as followers of Christ and an outward symbol of the work He has already done in our lives.  Some people wonder if baptism is required for salvation.  No, it's not.  However the two are connected.  The Lord commanded, 'Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit' (Matthew 28:19).  The Word of our Lord is sufficient warrant for baptism of believers.  No further authority is needed."  "Baptism is a symbol of the covenant of salvation."  "Eleven times in the book of Acts we see that immediately after someone believed in Jesus that person was baptized."  --From Rooted.

I ended the night in tears, saying that I did not want to get baptized.  (Why not??)  But of course, God was working on my heart.

A few weeks later, I was teaching Sunday School to my first graders, and we were learning about when John the Baptist baptized Jesus (Matthew 3:13-17).  It was the Beginner's Bible edition.  John basically says to Jesus, "I should be baptized by YOU!"  And Jesus replied, "I want to do what is right."  I remember thinking, "Wow, even Jesus got baptized.  Hmm.  Maybe I SHOULD get baptized."  Moved on.  After class, I went to service, and wouldn't you know, the next baptism class was announced.  I clearly felt God telling me to sign up.  So I did.

And tomorrow I'm getting baptized!  I'm kind of nervous.  I'm relieved that I am finally practicing obedience to the Lord in this area.  And I'm excited to join my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ in the beautiful sacrament of baptism.

"Felt love pouring down from above
Got washed in the water, washed in the blood and now I'm changed
And now I'm stronger
There must be something in the water
Oh, there must be something in the water

And now I'm singing along to amazing grace
Can't nobody wipe this smile off my face
Got joy in my heart, angels on my side
Thank God almighty, I saw the light
Gonna look ahead, no turning back
Live every day, give it all that I have
Trust in Someone bigger than me
Ever since the day that I believed I am changed
And now I'm stronger
There must be something in the water"--Something in the Water by Carrie Underwood

New Year!

It's a new year, and of course the time for resolutions.  I used to make an exhaustive list of resolutions on New Year's Eve, usually including resolutions about exercise, reading my Bible more often, eating better, journaling more regularly, etc.  That got a bit overwhelming over the years.  For the last few years I have started picking a "word" for the year.  This way, it's like an overriding theme that I can think and meditate on, but it's not so much that if I don't do a certain thing, I "fail" my resolution.

The word for 2015 is:

MINDFULNESS

To me, this encompasses a lot of my goals for the year.
I would like to have more of a regular quite time with God; I have started the "She Reads Truth" Bible in a Year plan to help me; it's on my phone which means I can read on the go, which is helpful.
But I would like to be on my phone less, being more present in my life and daily interactions.  This is especially true with my children.  I would like to really enjoy my time with them more, and not through the distracted murmuring that I do sometimes when I am looking at my phone.
I would like to continue my marathon training, not with a "I need to work out 5 times per week" goal, but continuing to be mindful about my time to exercise and really enjoying it when I do.
I would like to read more books instead of watching TV or messing around on my computer or phone.
I would like to be more mindful of my money and what I spend it on, as well as what is in my home, striving to de-clutter and simplify my life as much as possible.

I'm really excited to get started on this new year.  It will be full, as Jackson starts playing basketball, Savannah continues to dance, and they will turn 7 and 5 this year!  I will run a marathon and I just really look forward to see what God has in store.  I had no idea He would lead me on this road, but I am so glad that He did.

"Whatever you do, do well."  Ecclesiastes 9:10

8 years and counting!

Yesterday, JW and I celebrated 8 years of marriage!  Life must go on, so no fancy celebratory vacations were planned, but his mom and aunt, who have been visiting us this week, set us up with a very extraordinary anniversary dinner, complete with tablecloth, gold-plated silverware, 5 course meal (with dessert!) and entertainment provided by my kiddos.  It was wonderful.  One of the most fun parts was getting able to use my nice drinking glasses and serveware that I never get to use on a daily basis.  We registered for some good stuff 8 years ago (thank you friends and family!!).  Jackson was very excited, and he kept saying, "Happy Anniversary Mommy and Daddy!"  He dressed up (like a fireman with a superhero cape and cowboy hat) and serenaded us with violin music (he's been taking lessons and is PRETTY good if I do say so myself.)  He said, "Thank you for getting married, you guys did good.  Thank you for getting engaged at the farm where I had camp.  You are the best mommy and daddy ever!"  It was precious.  Savannah wore her tutu, did some ballet moves, and ate fruit and mints and sparkling cider for dinner.  It was so great.  JW and I felt honored by our family and children, and it would be nice to some day take a vacation for our anniversary, but until then, I'll take fancy at-home dinners any day.

(Picture during our Hawaii honeymoon October 2006)

Deep Calls to Deep

This weekend we had the privilege of spending time with my sister, brother-in-law, and niece at the beach.  Jackson had such a great time, it was so beautiful to watch his sheer joy at the ocean.  He spent hours standing at the shore, having a conversation with the waves.  It seemed like he was asking them to stop, just before they got to him, and he had a fighting stance as he stood there.  I watched him there for hours (it was too cold for me!) and I was almost crying with pleasure.  I think he felt so free and I think he felt God's love in those moments.  I surely did.

You big bully!

The last few weeks have been really tough!  J's behaviors at home were getting worse, including the self-injurious behavior and negative self-talk, and last week I was at my wit's end.  I just felt empty inside, my flesh and blood child, my firstborn, is saying that he hates himself, that he is evil, and is trying to hurt himself!  How I felt like a failure as a mom, who only wants to convey love to her child!  How must God get so sad when we as His children talk so badly about ourselves, as well.  So I was reaching out to the team at school, our OT, friends, etc, and finally my dear friend was able to shed some light on the situation.  She suspected that he was just craving attention, specifically from me, of course, and that if I was able to provide him with some one on one time every day, the behavior might go away.  So I gave it try, and one week of success followed!  Yay!  It's just amazing to me how many things have to be in place in order for J's day to go well.  Not only do we have to have his schedule, remain calm, keep things structured, keep him fed, but also we have to give lots of praise, give him one on one time, and try to keep things running smoothly at home.  It's so tiring sometimes!  If one piece is missing, it all falls apart.  But thankfully we have a lot of help, and people to remind us if a piece is missing.  So far, things are going well. 

While we were spending time together last weekend with puppets, Jackson insinuated through his puppet that there was a kid bullying him at school, on the playground.  That broke my heart!  I do NOT want to think about anyone teasing or making fun of my sweet boy, it makes me so sad and angry as well.  So I've been trying to deal with those emotions as well, at least until I figure out if anything truly is going on and to what extent. 

As far as school goes, I am impressed daily with Jackson's ability to read and write!  I've truly been enjoying watching his progress.  JW and I are seeing that he is very smart and able to do most things at school as long as the right supports and structure are in place.  As we are seeing, struggles are constantly going to come up, and then we just have to brainstorm the next best solution. 

So today I am in a lot better place mentally than I was a week ago, just trusting God to give me direction on any next steps to take, and so thankful that God thought that I was qualified enough to be chosen as Jackson's mom,  What a blessing, as well as the hardest job ever, but I am so thankful to be given the great privilege. 

First Grade!

It has been entirely too long since I've posted on here.  I miss it!  But there is another milestone in our family, Jackson is a First Grader!  His first day of school was yesterday, and he rocked it.  He looked stylish, got a "good-behavior" stamp, and made a new friend!  My mama-heart was full yesterday.

Things have been a bit difficult lately with him.  He has been responding very negatively to any criticism or correction, which of course is an essential part of parenting.  We have been trying to fill up his love tank with positive encouraging words, but still when we have to correct, he lashes out, says horrible things about himself, even being physically violent with himself.  It completely breaks my heart.  It is interesting to note that this behavior is only manifested around me.  Therefore, I seem to think it is behavioral, and I must be responding to him in a way that makes him want to continue the behavior.  I usually try to stop the violence, tell him how much he is loved, etc; I try to point him to the Truth of the Bible and let him know how much Jesus loves him, and he needs to love himself.  I try to tell him that even God disciplines His children, and that we are all sinners.  He HATES to think of himself as a sinner, don't we all?

It's interesting that Jackson is really only acting how most of us feel sometimes.  We don't like to be corrected or disciplined by God, or by anyone else, and we often find ourselves spouting off non-truths in the midst of our disappointment in ourselves.  Jackson is teaching me a good lesson, that we are NOT failures if we sin or "mess up," we all do it, and we are still LOVED.  We need to love our imperfect selves because God does!  And also, sometimes when we're upset, we just need a hug, not words.

This parenting thing is tough, and ASD is tough, but actually Jackson's behavior is really just a visible example of many of our internal states; he is just vulnerable enough to put it all out there.

I continue to pray for strength and guidance through this time, on how best to deal with this behavior, but I also thank God for showing me my own sinful self and how He loves me through it, in spite of myself.

Delayed Gratification

I read some other blogs that mention that sometimes kids with ASD will tell you about what they remember or what they were feeling months or years after the event.  At the time, you may think the child didn't process or understand, but then they reveal later that was not the case.  Last night, Jackson let me into his world a little bit, which was such a blessing.
I've been struggling with him this last week, as he has been exhibiting some behaviors that are just, well, annoying.  And they irritate a sleepy mama who has little reserve left in her.  But with some prayer from some good friends, my reserve and patience is growing, thankfully.  But back to my story.
Last night I was putting Jackson to bed, as usual, when he whispered to me, "I saw Daddy cry before." 
Me: "When?" 
Him: "It was at our old house (2 years ago!!), he was sick (he was really sick, I remember that too btw).  You and Daddy slept downstairs and I slept upstairs and Savannah slept downstairs, and I didn't like sleeping upstairs all by myself." 
Me: "So what did you do?"
Him: "I came down way before it was morning to sleep with you."  (true, story of my life, ha!)
Me: "How did you feel?  Worried, scared, sad?"
Him: "Worried.  Love you, goodnight!"

It was precious.  Just an interesting reminder that his little brain processes things differently than mine.  It doesn't make his way wrong, just different.  It really helps me to remember this, that when I think he's not getting it, I'm wrong.  He's taking it all in, and I'll probably hear about it in a few years. 
I'm thankful for a glimpse into his mind when sometimes I feel like I can't reach him.